On paralysis and changing perspectives

I’ve been struggling this summer. There, I said it.

I’ve had a difficult time doing anything that I considered “productive.” The definition of which I set for myself. Sometimes I am paralyzed by my own thoughts. My own rules. My own limitations. My own  lists.

Up until this last year, I controlled my own actions by some pretty rigid deadlines and schedules. Some were self-imposed, others not. I thought I had recovered from that publishing experience. Thought I had ridden myself of the burden of being controlled by the daily schedule (which was due at 8 AM no less).

But instead, in the last year and a half I have done the complete opposite. No deadlines. No schedules. No pressure. And here’s what I have learned–without them I have no productivity. Or at least no sense of productivity.

This is not to say that I haven’t been doing stuff. I have. I planted a garden. And have worked in the yard. And I painted the bathroom. And I took some vacations.  And I STARTED RUNNING!!!!

But here’s the thing…I have largely not quilted. Or blogged. I keep tossing the words around in my head that I am associating with this, this, issue. Paralysis keeps popping up. But really it isn’t paralysis. I have ideas. Lots of ideas. Maybe TOO MANY, in fact. Maybe that is partly the problem. But the other word that I really think is the issue is gumption.

So. What do I do with it? Here’s what I have decided. OWN IT. Own this slower pace. Own the summer. Own my thoughts. Own my issues. Own my battle with perfection. Own myself.

And if you own these things, you may be rewarded.

For instance. Today I turned my cutting table 90 degrees. Just one quarter turn and it has given me a new perspective. That and I started P90x today with the husband. And while I can barely lift my arms to type at the keyboard (that is a different kind of paralysis) I have made a small change.

And here I sit, typing a blog post. Not a long one, but not an insignificant one either, and with that, perhaps the cycle has been broken.

Only time will tell.

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6 thoughts on “On paralysis and changing perspectives

  1. The balance between must get it done and fuckit is difficult to achieve,always ready to fall off that tightrope. Making not getting on the rope at all very attractive, if only for a moment, because it will be up there, beckoning, crying at you don’t abandon me, which is another kind of pain in the ass.
    For me,that’s when it’s time to go to the beach. Faced with the Atlantic ocean , well, nothing else seems quite so big.
    Somewhere, procrastination is a sacrament, not a sin.

  2. I really enjoy reading your blog – mostly because you’re very honest about your challenges and frustrations. Sometimes I feel like I can’t bring myself to quilt because I don’t feel like I have talent or original ideas. I feel like when you take that time away – even if it’s something you want to be doing but can’t bring yourself to do – it makes you love it even more when you come back. I believe that you’ll find your quilting Mojo soon!! And even if it takes a bit of time, you should know you have friends out there who believe in you and are excited to see what happens in the future!

  3. It sounds to me like the equivalent of a writer’s block! Usually “filling the well” — taking IN lots of sights, smells, colors, textures, tastes will help, rather than pushing. When you have fed the well, the fallow period will be over, and you will be on your way!

  4. HEY! You’ve gone literal! “To everything, turn, turn, turn, there is a season, turn, turn, turn…”
    Get it? Haaa! No worries Girl. When the the time is right you will begin.

  5. Thank you for your honest blog! I totally know where you’re coming from. Though I feel I’ve been on the opposite. My creative stuff has been high output this summer but everything else is falling by the wayside (filing, house work, finances)… I am definitely having a hard time convincing myself to get back on the tight rope! It’s somehow comforting to know that I’m not the only one who struggles sometimes! 🙂

    • Thanks for your support. So often I find that what I read in bogland feels so sanitized. All rainbows and unicorns. Life is real. We should be ale to share it that way.

      P.s. I am envious of your creative productivity.

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