I’ve been struggling this summer. There, I said it.

I’ve had a difficult time doing anything that I considered “productive.” The definition of which I set for myself. Sometimes I am paralyzed by my own thoughts. My own rules. My own limitations. My own  lists.

Up until this last year, I controlled my own actions by some pretty rigid deadlines and schedules. Some were self-imposed, others not. I thought I had recovered from that publishing experience. Thought I had ridden myself of the burden of being controlled by the daily schedule (which was due at 8 AM no less).

But instead, in the last year and a half I have done the complete opposite. No deadlines. No schedules. No pressure. And here’s what I have learned–without them I have no productivity. Or at least no sense of productivity.

This is not to say that I haven’t been doing stuff. I have. I planted a garden. And have worked in the yard. And I painted the bathroom. And I took some vacations.  And I STARTED RUNNING!!!!

But here’s the thing…I have largely not quilted. Or blogged. I keep tossing the words around in my head that I am associating with this, this, issue. Paralysis keeps popping up. But really it isn’t paralysis. I have ideas. Lots of ideas. Maybe TOO MANY, in fact. Maybe that is partly the problem. But the other word that I really think is the issue is gumption.

So. What do I do with it? Here’s what I have decided. OWN IT. Own this slower pace. Own the summer. Own my thoughts. Own my issues. Own my battle with perfection. Own myself.

And if you own these things, you may be rewarded.

For instance. Today I turned my cutting table 90 degrees. Just one quarter turn and it has given me a new perspective. That and I started P90x today with the husband. And while I can barely lift my arms to type at the keyboard (that is a different kind of paralysis) I have made a small change.

And here I sit, typing a blog post. Not a long one, but not an insignificant one either, and with that, perhaps the cycle has been broken.

Only time will tell.